It’s often said that the Old Testament and it’s Abrahamic Laws have been superseded by the New Testament, as if that first half can just be conveniently ignored except for the bits that Christians still like. It’s said that Jesus came to change all that, so let’s look at the New Testament closely.
Matthew 5:29–30
— Jesus on a man looking lustfully on a woman
If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.
Alright, I’m confused here. Why do so many Christians still have eyes? Surely, a good portion of them lust after someone or watch porn, so by Jesus’ command, they ought to gouge out their eyes. Man, there are a lot of bad Christians out there, get on that gouging!
Matthew 15:4
— Jesus
For God commanded, saying, Honour thy father and mother: and, He that curseth father or mother, let him die the death.
Remember folks, even if parents sexually violate their children, they are to be honored. Hell, if the child has anything to say about the abuse, they should be killed, according to Jesus.
Matthew 17:20
— Jesus
And Jesus said unto them, Because of your unbelief: for verily I say unto you, If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you.
Matthew 21:21
— Jesus repeating himself
Jesus answered and said unto them, Verily I say unto you, If ye have faith, and doubt not, ye shall not only do this which is done to the fig tree, but also if ye shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; it shall be done.
Apparently, those with even a little faith can gain super powers! Oh faithful, please demonstrate doing the impossible.
Matthew 18:3
— Jesus chatting with his disciples about who is greatest in heaven
And said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.
Sorry, not adults allowed in heaven! Everyone must become childlike. That’s a disturbing idea for you. It would be creepy if adults acted like children, if you ask me.
Matthew 18:6
— Jesus
But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.
Okay, so Jesus orders the death of those who lead Christian children away from Christianity. Harsh, dude.
Matthew 19:21
— Jesus on the rich having a hard time getting into heaven
Jesus said unto him, If thou wilt be perfect, go and sell that thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come and follow me.
Basically, Jesus wants everyone to be homeless and poor, to give the shirts off their backs. Next time you meet a Christian proclaiming their faith, ask them if they have sold their possessions.
Revelation 2:22–23
— Jesus the sword mouthed
Behold, I will cast her into a bed, and them that commit adultery with her into great tribulation, except they repent of their deeds. And I will kill her children with death; and all the churches shall know that I am he which searcheth the reins and hearts: and I will give unto every one of you according to your works.
Ah! Jesus the child killer. A mother pissed him off so much that he pledges to kill her children. That sounds quite moral.
Contradictions
Genesis 1:25-27
And God made the beast of the earth after his kind, and cattle after their kind, and every thing that creepeth upon the earth after his kind: and God saw that it was good. And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth. So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.
Genesis 2:18-19
And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. And out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof.
First pages, first chapters, already a contradiction. Genesis 1 order was beasts then man, and Genesis 2 order was man then beasts. Someone should have proofread this book.
Matthew 7:12
Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets.
Matthew 5:9
But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.
Okay, so someone praises you, praise them. If someone lies to you, lie to them. If someone hits you, hit them back or turn the other cheek?
2 Samuel 24:1
The Lord’s anger against Israel flared again, and he incited David against them: “Go, take a census of Israel and Judah.”
1 Chronicles 21:1
Satan rose up against Israel and incited David to take a census of Israel.
Which one did it? Or did they both? Was the Lord and Satan working together? Are they one and the same?
Isaiah 45:7
I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the Lord do all these things.
I John 4:8
He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love.
Old Testament Fun
Leviticus 25-44
— Christian god endorsing slavery
“Your male and female slaves are to come from the nations around you; from them you may buy slaves.”
More to come!